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Sex Talk
Oral Sex
5 Tips On Going Down For Those Who Prefer Not To
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Do you love to go down on your partner? If you’ve opened this article, it might be safe to say it’s not your favorite sexual activity. If that’s the case, don’t worry, you’re not alone. There are plenty of people who have difficulty with this type of sexual intimacy. Like any other aspect of sex, there can be plenty of reasons that make people feel reluctant or even dread the thought of performing oral sex. It can stem anywhere from past trauma to finding it uncomfortable and everything in between. If you find you are always looking for an excuse to avoid going down, then these tips are for you.
1. Consent, Consent, Consent
The one word that can never be said enough…. consent. At the end of the day, no one should ever be forced to participate in sexual activities that they have no interest in. Choosing not to engage in a specific type of sexual activity doesn’t make someone a bad person. We all have the right to say what happens with our body and what activities we wish to engage in. That simple fact does not change with oral sex. It doesn’t change with any type of sexual activity at all, ever.
Many people feel a high amount of pressure from perceived societal expectations, social pressure from peers, the influence of porn, or pressure from a partner to make oral sex a regular part of our intimacy but it should be no more an expectation than any other type of sex. It doesn’t matter how much a partner may enjoy or want it. It makes no difference that your best friend thinks it’s just the best thing in the world. Who cares how much popular media has glorified it? What matters is your comfort level, what you think, and how you feel about it.
If you do not want to consent to oral sex, then you don’t have to. Period.
2. What Bothers You About Going Down?
If you’ve decided that you want to overcome your reluctance for the downstairs mixup, one of the first steps you need to take is to dive headfirst into your discomfort. You may not know what bothers you about the act and if you don’t that’s perfectly OK. Take some time to think about what it is about oral sex that puts you off. When you think about giving facetime, what types of things do you think about. The thoughts and feelings that come up are going to give you some clues for where you’re discomfort or lack of interest stem from. Most discomfort tends to fall into just a few different areas: perceptions, physical discomfort, or past trauma.
Perceptions do play a huge role in our sex lives. A lot of what we think about sex and what contributes to our sexual hangups. It is our perceptions and beliefs about different sexual activities that influence our attraction or lack of interest in them. These perceptions are influenced by our past experiences as well as how we interpret societal messaging about sex and anatomy. Common themes that play into perceptions include beliefs around hygiene, power dynamics between two people, and performance anxiety.
Physical discomfort can also play a huge role in a person’s interest. We all have different sensitivities to our gag reflex, the size of our mouth, the range we can open our mouths. All of these factors can change how comfortable it is for a person to go down on someone else. Things we find physically uncomfortable tend to interfere with our ability to enjoy the situation unless discomfort is part of our sexual preferences.
It’s an unfortunate reality that some people have had some unpleasant and scarring experiences with sex. It’s common for people to develop a strong emotional response and, in some cases, PTSD after experiencing assault or abuse. Future sexual encounters can trigger a surge of negative memories and emotions, especially if the assault or abuse includes the same activities.
Once you’ve identified the things that cause you to turn away from oral sex, you can begin to address them. Depending on what those reasons may be or the intensity of the feeling that they provoke, you may wish to explore overcoming these with the help of a qualified professional. Only you can choose what you think will be the most helpful to guide you through overcoming negative feelings about oral sex.
3. Communication is Always Key
Whatever the reasons someone is reluctant to do the face and genital mambo, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If someone wants to make some changes and increase their enjoyment of the act, it’s important for them to have support in doing that. Communicating with a partner about discomforts and challenges is a healthy part of any relationship, particularly those that are also involving sex. It’s a crucial piece for consent as well.
We want to create a conversation and space where we can build on making it a positive experience for everyone. If both people know what potential triggers or areas of discomfort are, then they can work together to brainstorm ways to reduce that discomfort. It also places our partner in a better position to provide support to us in a way that will be helpful to us. People are not mind readers and without these conversations, they are not going to know what we need from them.
The more we can establish clear communication, the less chance we have for miscommunications that can make things worse or cause other problems. If a partner doesn’t understand where we are at, there’s the potential for them to misread our actions or discomfort in a number of different ways. This could result in unnecessary friction, confusion, or less satisfying sex overall. The best way is to avoid all of that and keep good communication as part of our relationships.
4. Being Honest & Managing Expectations
So we’ve decided we want to consent to perform oral sex. We’ve taken some time to determine what about it turns us off and we’ve discussed these things with our partner. We’ve brainstormed some ideas on what could help us get past the things that bother us. It’s time to put those plans into action.
It’s important to manage expectations, for partners and ourselves. Remember that we might have to try different things to find something that clicks well for us and it may not magically come together on the first try. Just keep communication open and be sure you are checking in with yourself. Be honest with how you’re feeling and stop performing the act if you need to, you and your partner can always move on to another sexual activity or stop entirely.
5. Focus on Pleasure
Sex is all about intimacy, connection, and pleasure. The secret to truly changing how you feel about oral sex is to find ways to make it the most pleasurable experience for you. At the end of the day, it may never be your favorite sexual activity but it can become more pleasurable than it is currently.
Many of the things we find sexually appealing have been reinforced by us fantasizing about it and making it part of our sexual activities. Our brains become conditioned to enjoy those activities more because we’ve engaged in them and enjoyed them. We can use this to our advantage. You and your partner can negotiate ways to incorporate things you find highly pleasurable into oral sex time. This strategy can help at the moment when done right as well as make things better over time.
Another thing to consider is to focus on the pleasure that your partner is experiencing from the activity. A pleasure that you are entirely responsible for. If you have a hard time getting pleasure from doing the activity, you can choose to focus on how your partner is enjoying it.
Don’t Stress About Going Down
Oral sex can be a great part of sex but it’s only one type of sexual activity. As with any other type of sex the more we stress about it, the less likely we are going to be able to simply relax and enjoy it. The more you can relax and enjoy it, the more natural and pleasurable it will begin to feel. If it never reaches a point where that happens for you, that’s also OK. There are lots of other wonderful sexual activities to choose from.
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