So a Loved One Just Told You They Were Sexually Assaulted

When a loved one tells you they were sexually assaulted, how do you create safe and supportive space?

It’s never easy to hear stories of pain and struggle. It can be even harder to hear when it comes from someone we love. But what can we do? How do we react? How can we support this person? The answers to these questions may even be a critical turning point in our relationship with our loved one. Sharing a story of sexual assault is a moment of trust. It is a time when a person is opening up and sharing an experience fused with many intense emotions. It can be a very emotional and vulnerable time. How we respond to that can build trust or completely break it.

Someone relaying this type of story is going to need support. The type of support they’re going to need will vary considerably depending on when the event took place, where they are emotionally, what other supports they are accessing, and a variety of other factors rooted in personal beliefs and societal pressures.

Here are some important tips to remember when offering support to your loved one.

They Were Sexually Assaulted… This is Not About You

It can be really upsetting to hear these kinds of stories but an important first step in supporting your loved one is remembering that this moment is not about you. It’s not that your emotions don’t matter but at this moment, to be that support, you need to be able to set your personal emotions aside. Keep your focus on how your loved one feels and what they are saying.

They are opening up and being vulnerable and looking for support from you. Do not turn it into a situation where they feel they need to support you. Not only will this send a strong message to your loved one that you are not a person they can share these stories with but it can add to their negative emotions regarding the assault and make it less likely they will try again with someone else. Making the moment about you is going to isolate your loved one further at a time when they need to be getting help and feel connected.

Let Them Take Control of Their Story

Sexual assault actually has very little to do with sex and often more to do with control. The reality is that survivors have had control taken from them during this event. Their personal feelings and consent were ignored and they could control little to nothing of what happened during the assault. It is important to help them regain some sense of control over the situation by letting them decide how the story will be told. Let them choose what details will be said and in what order.

It’s also important that you respect their confidentiality and privacy. Your loved one may not be ready or willing to have others know. While you may feel like you’re ill-prepared to help and maybe you wish to get some insight from someone else on the best way to offer help, you shouldn’t speak to someone else about your loved one’s assault without their consent.

It’s also important that while you are providing support, that you let your loved one choose what steps they need to take next and support them. Do not try to tell them what they should do or need to do. Everyone heals at their own pace and takes steps on their own. In times when people are vulnerable, they need to set this pace on their own terms. Trying to rush someone or tell them what to do could be overwhelming or re-traumatizing. It’s important that we empower survivors to move forward by their own choice instead of being pushed.

Empathetic Listening is Key

When we have experienced something stressful, traumatic, or life-altering it can be an incredibly difficult weight to carry alone. The stress of it continues to isolate us and make us feel alone even when we are surrounded by people. Sexual assault is not only a truly traumatic event but also extremely stigmatized. There are many reasons why sexual assault survivors don’t feel comfortable sharing their stories as they are often met with disbelief and in some cases blame and further abuse. Negative reactions like this can compound the original trauma.

It’s important that you create a safe space for your loved one to share their story. This means listening and responding with empathy. Help them feel heard. Creating a safe space for them to share their pain and be vulnerable without fear can be an important step towards helping them take the next steps in processing what happened.

When practicing your empathic listening skills, remember to listen without interruption. If there is a pause, give your loved one a few moments to go on. Talking about these experiences is not easy for many people and they may need to take small breaks to get the story out. Let the silence stand for a time.

Sometimes your loved one may be waiting for a response from you or trying to gauge how you are going to react before they go on. If the silence continues to stretch or it feels like they are waiting for a response from you, ask a follow-up question. You can also simply repeat the last one to five words they said in a gentle, caring, and inquisitive tone. It can prompt them to continue with their story as they now know that you are still interested in hearing more of what they have to say.

Survivors Can React Any Number of Ways

There is no right or wrong reaction to something traumatic. Everyone reacts differently based on their personality or the specifics of the situation. In some cases, people are angry. In others, they may be sad, self-loathing, ashamed, guilty, seemingly indifferent, depressed, etc. There is no typical reaction and no “right” way for someone to react. People are going to react in any way and sometimes unpredictably.

Manage your expectations of how you think someone should be reacting and do not tell them how they should be feeling. Part of being there as a supporter to your loved one is giving them the safe space to react how they are genuinely feeling without judgment or condemnation. There’s a good chance that they don’t have many places or people that they can express this with so being able to provide that for them will be a big deal.

It’s also important to note that people can and often do go through a range of emotions. Healing from trauma is a complex process and not that different from grieving. It’s natural that people will move through different emotions as they process different parts of what happened.

Respecting Their Bodily Consent

It’s natural for us to want to physically comfort someone we are trying to make feel better. We may want to give them a hug, rub their shoulder, or offer some other physical contact to remind them that they are not alone and that we are here to support them. It’s important to remember in this time that your loved one is relaying a story where their boundaries and consent were violated in a very intense way. When they are reliving this experience sharing their story, they may not want to be touched as it may play into the memories of what they are sharing.

This is an excellent time to help them remember that their consent is important. If you want to offer physical affection and reassurance, ask them if it’s OK. Phrases like, “Do you want a hug?” or “Is it OK to rub your shoulder?” or “Can I hold your hand?” can be very powerful and a strong reminder that you are there and care about their feelings.

Of course, it’s critical to accept whatever answer they give. They are under absolutely no obligation to accept your physical comfort. If they do decline, it’s important to simply accept their answer and move on. Do not make it a big deal. Move the conversation past their decline and onto the next part of their story. Remember, you are here to comfort them and they need to set the terms on how they’d like that to happen.

Ask What They Need

Depending on where they are in processing the assault, your loved one may be looking for different types of support from you. The first step is sharing their story. This may be all they are able to process today but it might be they are ready for more. You won’t know unless you ask and you should never make assumptions. Ask your loved one how you can best support them. Ask them what they need right now. It creates the opportunity for you to offer more while keeping your loved one in control of their story and next steps.

It’s possible that your loved one may not know what they need at the moment or perhaps they are not ready to go any farther than sharing their story, that’s OK. Don’t pressure them. You can gently let them know that you are there for them and ready to support them when they are ready. One of the most important messages you want to get across here is that they have your support. It can make a world of difference in helping to reduce any feelings of isolation.

Keep Your Loved One in Focus

Your loved one has placed a tremendous amount of trust in opening up to you about something very difficult and painful. Build on that trust that they’ve shown you by remembering these steps. Don’t stress about making mistakes, just do your best to set any personal judgments aside. Keep your focus on your loved one and doing what they need at this moment. It can be what helps your loved one take the next steps towards healing as well as strengthening the relationship that you have with them.

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